Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
