the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She even gives head with a lisp.
cat food counts as protein by the way
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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