sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
