if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
