ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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