A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
