my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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