i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
