so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
