morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I looked at my own cervix.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
