As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
