Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
