i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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