____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am spending my child support on dildos
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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