you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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