Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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