I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
