I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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