Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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