I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
