Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
