That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
