when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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