whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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