How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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