You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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