I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
