you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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