i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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