Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
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Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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