Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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