Your mouth is God's brothel.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
