whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
