ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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