I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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