its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
