so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
