Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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