so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
