I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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