if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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