I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
