I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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