This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
