Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
