just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
