o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
