my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
