It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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