I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
