I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
