i already hear my dad disowning me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
