I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
