i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
