I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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