ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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