Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Drunk is not a location!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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