dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
