My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
